3 Questions To Ask Your Husband (About Porn)

Pornography is a temptation that most Christian men (like me) deal with on a regular basis. From seeing my first pornographic magazine in 4th grade to mobile access to anything I could ever imagine as a 40-year-old, today’s Christian man is being bombarded by a culture hell-bent on taking him out of commission.

And I know that I am not alone. 64% of Christian men look at pornography at least once a month. This is a problem because we are called to live a life of purity. Jesus said in Matthew 5:28, “But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”

So what are we to do?

For men who want to live a life of purity, loving his wife and leading his family well, AND for the incredible woman in his life who wants to stand with him to counter-attack this continuous onslaught, here is some encouragement:

There is a secret that actually works to living a porn-free life.

The truth is, I’ve tried it all. For over 20-years, I’ve been in some sort of porn-free accountability group. I’ve read books, attended men’s retreats, and listened to encouraging sermons. But nothing seemed to work long-term.

Of course, you need to surrender your heart to the saving power of Jesus Christ, read the Bible, and know who you are and how you were made. But beyond prayer, accountability, and Bible reading, there is one secret that has worked for living a porn-free life.

Here it is: REGULARLY BE HONEST WITH YOUR WIFE

Yes, I know, this can be the scariest action of all, but that’s exactly why it works. The fear of failure can be a powerful motivator. I believe that you can live porn-free for the rest of your life. I know that this hidden issue can be exposed for the lie that it is, and God (as He so often does) can redeem this secret shame and transform it into a healing grace. By talking openly about your battle with pornography, your marriage can be stronger than ever.

Here are three questions to discuss on a regular basis to help you move forward in freedom.

1. What do we, as a couple, believe about pornography?

If you are not on the same page with your beliefs, then you will not be unified and consistent in your actions. So here is my personal conviction: pornography is a trap Satan uses to destroy intimacy in our marriage. It’s a false idol and is not to be taken lightly. We shouldn't give it power either through shame or indulgence. Instead, we need to see it for what it is, a tragedy and a lie that together we reject as a united couple. It’s not a battle for the guy to face alone. Instead, by openly discussing this important issue with a willing heart and an open Bible, I believe you can be unified with your spouse.

2. What can I do to support you to help you avoid this dangerous trap?

For the ladies reading, if your husband is honest with you, his struggle with porn can be pretty gut-wrenching. It can feel like a rejection of your very identity and an assault on your marital unity. But hear me out, porn is about power. Many men I’ve worked with over the years have admitted that porn goes deeper than beauty and lust. It is about feelings of acceptance and rejection. The man who feels powerless at work and embarrassed by his struggles can spiral into a cycle of shame which leads him back to the vomit of pornography. A strong wife standing with him against porn’s secret and insidious attack may be just what can finally end this tragic cycle in his life, though this is hard to do.

3. When was the last time you looked at pornography?

I know. This question is the hardest of all. Asked in a spirit of prayer, humility, and transparency, it will lead to an amazing opportunity for connection and growth. If he’s being honest, his answer may likely shock you. He may say, “Last month on that business trip,” or “Last Thursday night when you went to bed early,” or simply, “Yesterday.” I know, the truth can sting. But if you don’t know where he is, how can you help him move forward? Once he tells you the truth, pray together for God’s strength to stand together. And then ask the same question next week. And then the week after. And so on.

There is hope after porn, and there can be a deep relationship connection even in the middle of the struggle if you are willing to stand together. Ladies, lean into your man and men, be open with your wives. I challenge you to live a life connected and committed to each other.

I get it. This is a sensitive topic. And maybe it is just easier to avoid it altogether.

But imagine with me what your marriage could be like if you were to regularly ask and answer these questions! Imagine the impact your marriage could have on other couples all around you. Imagine the freedom! Be willing to endure this temporary pain for the longterm joy of a united marriage. Put porn in its place. Stand together to fight this marriage destroyer. Together, with God’s wisdom and guidance, let’s confront the lie once and for all.

If this post resonated with you, would you do me a favor and share it on Facebook? This important message is not easy, but it just might change someone’s life.

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